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"Et
tu, Brute!"
(translated: "With
friends like these, who needs enemies?")
—Shakespeare, Julius Cæsar.
Act iii. Sc. 1
PIMA, AZ (USA) — Just keep telling yourself: They meant well. They meant well. Ok, here goes...
Yesterday, the Pima County Sheriff's
Department issued a statement confirming rumors that several Pima deputies
had asphyxiated and bludgeoned an unidentified dog in an attempt to end its
suffering after having been struck by a vehicle on an Arizona highway.
The dog survived the car, survived the
asphyxiation, survived the bludgeoning and then survived some 12 hours
left alone in the desert, thereby making him the most indestructible
force since "Jason" in Friday the 13th Part III—and
certainly worthy of the post-posthumous title "Zombie Dog V".
The quadruply-killed canine is reportedly
doing well, aside from some bruises, scrapes on the
chin, a cut on its left front leg and right front shoulder and a gash on
the bridge of the nose where officers struck it with a blunt object.
According to the Tucson
Citizen, the incident occurred last Monday, September 24, but
was only made public after a Citizen reporter, acting on a tip,
contacted department officials yesterday.
Death #1
At around 8:30 Monday evening, the dog was struck by a hit-and-run driver near West
Calle Lerdo and South Victor Drive, near West Valencia Road, eight miles
west of Interstate 19. Two Pima deputies arrived on the scene and
called Pima Animal Control to come and euthanize the dog, but the animal
control officer did not respond, having left his pager at home,
Sheriff's Captain Kathleen Brennan would later report.
Death #2
Deputies waited for over an hour and
finally decided to euthanize the dog themselves. They contacted
their supervisors and were given permission, provided that they did not
use firearms.
"There was some concern that if
they heard the gunshots, it could be traumatic for the people in the
area," said Capt. Brennan.
Officers decided to asphyxiate the dog
by means not described in the police report. A small crowd
gathers. Somewhere in the distance, a bird tweets...
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Death #3
 When
asphyxiation proved unsuccessful, a bystander suggested hitting the dog
between the eyes with a blunt object "as he did while hunting,
because it would kill the dog quickly" (Arizona
Daily Star).
(Urgent message to all hounds: Do
not go hunting with this guy.) Deputies took the man's advice
and struck the dog with an unspecified blunt object. Afterward,
they detected no pulse or breathing and left the scene.
Death #4
The dog remained at the side of the
road overnight, while the Pima Animal Control officer (who had found his
pager at around 10:00pm) was delayed. Jody Burns, a Pima Animal
Control spokesperson, declined comment on the case.
The next morning, an Animal Control
officer arrived and was mystified when the dog got up and ran underneath
his truck. The officer took the dog to a veterinarian who told
authorities that the dog had not suffered permanent injuries and would
recover.
"Dead? I'm just happy to be
here."
Zombie Dog V is being adopted by Capt. Brennan.
(Photo: Francisco Medina / Tucson
Citizen)
No Hard Feelings from
Beyond the Grave
Ironically, it is Captain Brennan,
supervisor of patrol operations and officers including the deputies
involved, who has decided to adopt the 2-year-old German Shepherd/Chow
Chow mutt.
Says Capt. Brennan, "After I found
out it was still alive, I went, 'Oh boy. We can't let this dog go
through all this and have nobody adopt him and have him put to sleep by
Animal Control. That would be very wrong."
Editor's note: In no way does The
Scoop wish to imply that either Jim Varney ("Ernest") or
the honorable Don Knotts ("Barney Fife") was involved in this
debacle.
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