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You heard it here first: dogs have begun to take over the
world. So now may be a good time to make sure there are no hard
feelings between you and your pooch for all those cookies you didn't
share, all those c-o-l-d baths with the garden hose—oh yes, and don't
forget about that little
"harmless" operation that you arranged a few years back...
What am I talking about? Simply this: we are looking at the imminent
cosmic cataclysm in which dogs destroy the ruling powers of evil and raise
the righteous to life in a messianic kingdom.
Or as I like to call it:
This month, the political processes of three powerful nations
have simultaneously been usurped by three canines in legislative, judiciary and
executive capacities, thereby poising the dog world for a prelude to
global domination.
And it's about time, wouldn't you say?
I. Ballot Box-er
DUBLIN (Ireland)
— A six-year-old Boxer dog named "Charlie" received a
certified polling card in the mail earlier this month. Charlie's
guardian Michael Walton, 35, was surprised to find the official document
bearing Charlie's name delivered to their St. Agnes Park home in Crumlin.
Mr. Walton told reporters at the Irish
Independent, "Someone must be barking mad."
Pictured here with his own polling card,
Charlie wins the right to cast a ballot. Now if he can only figure
out how to operate those crazy voting-booths... (Photo: Irish
Independent)
Despite the historic opportunity for the
country's canine constituency, Charlie opted not to go to the polls for the referendum vote on Mar.
6. Mr. Walton explains the dog's reason for abstention: "I don't think he has any view on
abortion, and he hates politicians. He always sleeps through
political discussions, and he shreds their literature."
(Yes, sometimes they seem almost human, don't
they?)
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II. Jurispoodles
LAFAYETTE, CA (USA) — If
you want to sway the jury, try bringing a box of Milkbone dog biscuits. Fox
News reports that "Barnabas R. Miller", a
nine-year-old Poodle, was called for jury duty earlier this week.
The summons resulted from Barnabas being
on the list of registered voters in Contra Costa County.
The dog's guardian, 78-year-old Donald Miller, claims he registered
Barnabas because he intended to point out problems in the voter registration
system.
"If I can register my dog, then
anybody can register," says Mr. Miller.
Indeed, this is not the first time a dog
has been registered to vote in the United States. There were two
such incidents in 2001, one in Texas and the other in southern Florida.
However, Shad Balch of the Secretary of State's office says that Mr. Miller's
little demonstration is an act of perjury punishable by up to four years
in prison. Prosecutors have not decided if
they will press charges, but even if they do, Mr. Miller won't have
anything to worry about if his dog gets summoned to serve on the jury.
Donald Miller poses
with selected juror and registered voter "Barnabas"
who is listed as a Republican. (Photo: Associated Press)
III. The Next President of France
Could Be a Dog
PARIS (France)
— Adding a little flavor to
what many French voters are calling a dull presidential campaign, a tiny
dog named "Saucisse" [Sausage] has appeared on the ballot,
opposing the incumbent President Jacques Chirac and chief rival Socialist Prime Minister
Lionel Jospin.
"Saucisse is sending a warning to
politicians that unless they do better we would rather vote for a
dog," says the dog's guardian Serge Scotto, referring to the upcoming
national elections on April 21.
The Moscow
Times reports that Saucisse, who had once been used as
"bait" in dog fights, was rescued and is now finding success in
a (relatively) less-hazardous career in politics. Last year, the
politically-inspired pooch grabbed 4 percent of the vote at municipal
elections in Marseille.
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